I think for Thursdays I’d like to deem it “Think about it Thursday” or “Thoughtful Thursday” or something to that nature.
Yesterday I had a huge break down, panic attack, meltdown. It was bad. So so bad. I normally have anxiety. I manage it fairly well by talking to people, writing, playing with my dogs, or finding some other way to get whatever off my mind. In fact, Loki is more or less my emotional support dog.
While pregnant with oogie boogie I was depressed. The depression grew so much worse after having him. When our situation changed I got “better”. I figured that was that. It wasnt. When I got pregnant with little miss I was a rollercoaster of emotions. Happy, sad, panicked, thrilled, excited, nervous, and everything in between. Everything heightened the further along I got. When she finally arrived things were great for a little while. Then my nerves were constantly shot. I always worried about her wellbeing. Was she eating enough, peein enough, pooping enough, sleeping enough, sleeping too much, etc. I constantly worried at night about her because she sleeps in our bed. I bought a rock and play for her and quickly realized she thought it was a fine investment for during the day but definitely not at night.
After doing some research I found that postpartum depression (ppd) has an ugly cousin, postpartum anxiety (ppa). Most of the time the two go hand in hand. But ppa is hardly talked about. When I first researched my symptoms I found that I again had ppd. But only slightly. The depression went away, but the anxiety stayed. It worsened.
I couldn’t stand to be touched, my mind raced constantly, my heart raced, I was having horrible hot flashes. I joked that I was going through early menopause. But it was more than that. Every time little miss cried it made me on edge. I had to stop it. I literally could not listen to it. When oogie boogie wants to be touched or held it drove me insane. I was touched out. It made my skin crawl to be touched. I felt very much like I did during labor about touching. I am one you don’t touch in labor. Just ask my husband. The only touch I could handle was little miss. And only for short periods.
I knew things had to change. I couldn’t keep doing this. I reached out for help. I got a lot of good advice from chiropractic care, essential oils, prayer, and just getting away. I pray everyday. I pray constantly. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. I also know that sometimes it doesn’t work the way you want. God may not answer a prayer directly, but passively. For instance, I may pray for financial help. For money. God won’t drop money on my doorstep. I mean, if He did that would be fine by me but He won’t. Instead, he would lead me to a job fair, or a way to earn the money myself. I feel that’s what he did by giving me the strength to ask for help.
I plan on updating every Thursday on different methods I’m using to help my anxiety and I will let you know what works for me. Stay tuned. Things might get interesting.